well at least

if there's not a reason to celebrate
you should look for one.

you can be calm for now.

(somebody else is driving)

you may discover

over tea and toast

that i'm not who you think i am.

today is a saturday that feels like a sunday, which is like saying i saw a sparrow that looked like a crow.  the thing is, it's been a long week of successes and mistakes.  incidentally, i've decided it's better to have just one category.  successes or mistakes.  what's hard is the combination.  you feel bad celebrating when you've spoiled it with something else that went wrong.  so you just sit in one place while your mind bounces between i can't believe i phrases and  well at least i ones.

well at least i'm healthy.

well at least i have will.

well at least i have a job.

tonight we go to the levines' for dinner and the company of the alexanders.  we'll bring our records back to their massive record library and come home with a lovely new batch.  i had a dream that i accidentally ruined all of the records we're borrowing right now.  that's the way i've been dreaming lately.

well at least i have my violin to play.

well at least i have all of my limbs.

there's always something to worry about.  the only thing i do about that is to stop feeling worried.

well at least it's sunny today.

[thankyouforreading]

hands

while enjoying the end of weeds season five disc one, i asked will to give me a hand massage.  best thing ever.  i guess i work my hands pretty rigorously during the day.  i should get these puppies insured.  it's especially intense on tuesdays when i teach all day at school (conducting, playing various string instruments) followed by three straight hours of private violin lessons. 

hand pain aside, there is one student - and i feel horrible for saying this, because he's very sweet and he's just getting started - who plays his violin about as loud as it goes.  in the tiniest of practice rooms.  i don't think he even realizes it, because he's so concerned with the rhythm and the fingerings that he must not have the capacity to even imagine there's anything else.  like volume.  i told him in my most patient voice to lighten up with his right hand, please.  please.  lighten up that lead hand, young man. 

-float the bow. 
-okay, pretend there was a little man sitting on your right hand before and now he got up and left. 
-barely touch the bow to the string. 
-imagine it's a pillow.  or feathers.  air.  now try again. 
-oh wow. okay, let's try something else. 

it was one of those moment where the volume was so high that i could actually feel the headache happen from nothing.  it was so clear to me, like i could touch the headache.  or see it.  and then i was distracted because i was trying to remember if i still had ibuprofen in my bag.  should i take it while he's in the room, or is he going to tell his mom i'm a pill popper?  maybe i'll wait until he leaves. 

the next girl played as quiet as a mouse, scroll pointed directly at the floor.  and she stared at me while she played instead of the music.  was there something on my face?  the notes of the song, perhaps?  it was getting too late in the day for me to focus.  maybe she was on the same page as i was.

these stories could go on and on.  as you could probably imagine.  but will's going to bed.  i'll go sit in there with the tv on a notch above mute until my head stops swimming and i begin to feel tired.  i just need to get the variations of twinkle twinkle out of my brain.

fotos de weheartit

on happiness

will and i were talking last night about how to be happy.  there are too many reasons to feel stressed out and star to feel down.  luckily, when one of us is down, the other is usually up enough to talk sensibly.  we discussed that being happy is something you have to do, like an act.  to be happy.  a choice, we decided (or remembered, because i'm sure we've had this conversation before.)

it's one reason that i blog.  i'm collecting things that i love.  allowing my brain to bathe in what it enjoys looking at, writing, listening to, etc.

and now, a few favorites.

delicious diet coke.  and i like this print, but i do prefer to drink it from a can.  something about the metallic taste.  two cans a day, sometimes.  i think it's to blame for keeping me up at night once in a while.

sushi.  really really fresh sushi.  and i think if u were to ask will or me where our favorite place is we'd say clark st., chicago - sushi para II.  all you can eat sushi and byob.  the best deal ever.

great pens.  i write a lot and have too many journals to keep track of anymore.  most of what i write is fluff, but when you write often enough you find something to say. so i have a thing for good quality pens.  they're one of those little luxuries that are worth the extra dollar or two.

regina spektor.  she owns her style and has such a pretty voice.  one of her songs makes me think of the part of will and me that took place three years ago in the city.  my studio apartment.  the 12th floor on west wrightwood, around the corner from the lake.  he told me around that time that the song "fidelity" made him think of me.  because our relationship would be nothing without chance or fate, which has always made it feel very delicate and special. 

suppose i never ever saw you/suppose you never ever called.

thank you for reading.  :)

words are important.

i gave my paperback of on the road to my sister to read.  it's one of my favorite books.  it reminded me that there was a time a few years ago when i'd really gotten into kerouac's haiku.  (haiku is the plural form for haiku, yes?)  here are some of my favorites.

holding up my
purring cat to the moon,
i sighed.

crossing the football field
coming home from work -
the lonely businessman.

snap your finger
stop the world -
rain falls harder.

the bottoms of my shoes
are clean
from walking in the rain.

glow worm
sleeping on this flower -
your light's on.

his haiku remind me of spring, which isn't coming soon enough.  i wonder if it was springtime when he wrote these down.  there's rain and the moon and nights in which he must be standing outside in the fresh, cool air.  the sun is shining more lately, as if to let us know it's on its way.  but it's still cold.  i foolishly wore my spring coat this past week (as in, i "foolishly" did something over and over again.)  i guess you could say i was protesting the winter that always overstays its welcome. 

i have audio of the gig i played on saturday, but no visual.  i'll keep trying to get it figured out.  and at the very worst, you'll get to hear me but not see me.  i thought it went well.  i hope to be able to do it again.

mornings

part of me feels guilty for blogging about this.  but mornings are such a great time for me.  i can't help myself.

on weekdays, will gets up to the sound of a dog barking on his cell phone, which is cute, because it reminds me that he wants a dog one day.  (we're thinking about a boston terrier.)  he rolls out of bed and takes a shower.

now, i'm awake.  i sit up in bed and wait until the shower sound is over so that i can talk to him.  this morning he told me about his dream. 

- we were living in my dad's house.

- really?  i don't know if i could live with bailey. (their overzealous dog who loves my crotch.)

- well, you weren't there.  it was just me and ben and molly.  all grown up. 
- that's weird.  where were their families?
- i don't know.  and bailey wasn't there either.  just a bunch of skunks.  big ones and baby ones, and they were spraying everyone.

a skunk recently died (or maybe she just sprayed and is still alive) somewhere within a mile of our apartment building, which we've been talking about every time we step outside.

will puts on a suit.  for a short time every morning he's wearing suit pants and a tee shirt, which i think is funny.  maybe there's a tooth brush in his mouth.  about once a week there's shave cream on his face.

at 7:30 he gives me a kiss goodbye and i get out of bed.  i come out of the bedroom to find laundry that needs to be folded and put away, maybe dishes.  i cue up a record before i start.  this morning it's bob dylan.  i start a pot of coffee and breathe a sigh of relief that i don't have to drive to work for another couple of hours. 

once the folding and putting away and bedmaking etc are over, the coffee is ready.  i bring my coffee to the computer desk.  i read news and blogsurf for a while.  this is the time i usually post my own entries. 

one moment please, the record needs flipping.

my list of favorite blogs gets longer and longer.  you can check the bottom right side of this page for a short list.  not comprehensive by any means, as one blog inevitably leads me to another - a process that never ends.  i feel connected and find inspiration.

when i feel satisfied with my work, i start to get ready.  it feels nice to get ready in a leisurely fashion.  i never feel rushed, and it makes for a good start to my day.  will sends a text. usually involving the words "love u" and "hope you have a great day today."  i grab a lunch when i'm ready and put it in my bag.  keys, wallet, phone.  lock the door.  drive for 45 minutes.  and the chaos begins.

vday

this is the fourth valentine's day i will have spent with will.

1

sushi in lakeview

blue man group at the briar street theatre.  cabs everywhere.

he wore gel in his hair (which he laughs about today).

and i wore a blazer (i guess i was treating it like an interview.  it was early.)

2

homemade dinner

steak and crab legs.  fancy.

i think maybe we thought we were too broke to do something else.

but we probably paid a lot of money for crab legs.

3

basil leaf cafe

one of my favorites in lincoln park

then a movie downtown, which always felt special.

more cabs.  always cabs.

"there will be blood."

will bought me a really good pencil sharpener that year, which i still love.

4

big tomatoes in downtown green bay.

married. 

-isn't it wierd?

-yeah!  i mean, maybe not.

-i guess it's not weird.

-just weird if you think about it a lot.

enjoying the record player, falling asleep early.

some deliciously inspiring images from weheartit.

i think everyone should see the world through these.

this makes me think of sarah's room in labyrinth.

"neat."

the beautiful colors drew me to these cupcakes.

sipping tea

riding the line between creepy and artful.

i like this - very 70s. 

the most beautiful red couch in the world.

i'm posting this one, even though it makes me cringe.

someone needs to release some of that bow's tension.  we're playing music, not shooting deer.

(looks like one of my 6th graders got a hold of it.)

pianos are always photogenic.

-she's in love.

-i don't even know her.

-yes you do!

-since when?

-since forever. in your dreams!

wishlist

i've been away - using some of my spare time to do the following things.

• organize solo & ensemble festival at the middle school
• run, run, run!
• craft my husband's valentine's day gift, which you'll see on the blog when it's finished
• sit and do nothing (i couldn't lie - as in i couldn't tell a lie, not "i couldn't lie down," which i'm sure you understood but i needed to be sure.)

in the meantime, there's (always) a short list of things i want to have in the near future.  here are those things.

dymo labelmaker and tape (the push kind, not the digital kind) from urban outfitters.

record player.  i've already started collecting records. 

this will have to wait until i have the funds, and until i find the right one.

a pretty new bag, like this pink one.

a pretty dress to wear for the upcoming weddings this spring.

a couple of the weddings are in chicago.  i'm really looking forward to being there again.  there are certain places i can remember as if they are photographs in front of my real eyes.  and then there are some that i'm sure i'm beginning to lose.  my brain will create things to fill the holes until my idea of chicago becomes a fantastic painting.  but then, i hope we don't stop going to visit the city.  i hope the holes are filled with real things instead.

have a great day.

goals, sort of.

i sewed a little owl with no legs or mouth out of felt yesterday, which i guess is okay because he could be sitting and owls don't usually have mouths anyway. (just the beak, right?)  what's wrong is that it's about all i've made in the last week.  some people blog for a living, some make crafts, some are stay at home moms who have a little time here and there to make things.  i teach children to play instruments that sound really really bad sometimes (violins, etc.)  the only way i could possibly come home with a bigger headache is if these children were middle schoolers.  wait.. they are. 

at least there are no drums or horns involved. 

point is that i rarely come home in the mood to craft.  as it is, i'm giving myself a huge pat on the back for coming home and managing to blindly throw on workout clothes before i change my mind and spend 45 minutes on the treadmill.  if i find the time to be artsy, i at least need to be artsy and fit vs artsy and chubby.  not that there's anything wrong with that combination. 

goals to be accomplished in an amount of time i'd rather not specify so as not to stress myself out too much:

• learn to use that %$#&@ sewing machine that's sitting on our dining room table (that should be today).
• accumulate more photos/prints through whatever method to get my walls decorated for good.
• make keychains for parents.  (any good ideas for a dad?)
• produce will's valentine's day gift. 
• schedule a photo shoot at bay beach with my diana.

i took my diana to work and photographed the cellos and basses in my room.  i think they'll prove to be rather photogenic, especially in lomo.  those will come soon.

peace.

flickr, weeds, etc.

i did it.  i posted my photos of handmade stuff on flickr for the class to see!  warning to all classmates: i'm not an art student, and i won't pretend to be.  just a musician with some creativity to spare.
will and i watched the entire second season of weeds.  what is nancy going to do now?

and i've been taking diana pictures as much as possible.  today i took a picture of a sandwich, and of will doing laundry.  you never know when a good picture will happen.  before the end of this week i'm going to go take pictures of the claw machines in the entryway of walmart and all of the surrounding riff raffs.  tonight i punked out.  it was too much for me.

i'm having the now weekly glass or two of chilean pinot.  will's playing call of duty with his headset on.  talking to his old frat buddies (who knew i'd marry a frat guy?  --and by the way will hates when i say that) and playing .. against them?  on a team with them?  whilst shooting digital, scarily realistic solidiers.  i'll never understand how this is therapeutic.  my therapy includes the following:  green tea, playing an instrument (preferably the violin), making something that turns out to be nice and pretty, reading, shopping (which results in pretty things), taking pictures, etc.  will's therapy includes jiu jitsu (which he works really hard at and takes really seriously), watching ufc, fighting digital people with old frat friends, and .. reading and drinking tea.  so we share a few of them.

as much as we do different things and sometimes come from different parts of the universe, we're also sewn together at the soul, i think.  like how when we're watching something, and there will be one moment, one that's not so obviously funny to the whole world but that has a certain tickle to it for me, and we both laugh really hard.  when we realize we're both laughing for real (not that polite, "ah, this comedy is fantastic" chuckle that you know everyone can see through), like so real your face goes all over the place, we get tickled again and laugh harder.  those moments are really cool.  like when the red headed boy farted on weeds in season two.  stupid, i know, but these moments matter to us. 

but, while we're on the topic, things that bother me about weeds (which i love, by the way):

1. nancy's oral fixation.  i know that chilled coffee cup has only ice left in it.  please stop mouth breathing seductively around the straw in between sentences, pretending you're looking to drink more, when we all know it's empty.  i'll be the first to say that mary louise parker is beautiful, don't get me wrong.  i actually want to color my hair again after seeing her on screen.  but please - stop with the mouth. 
2. her high school son, who has the 'tude of a middle schooler.  (believe me, i know.  i spend lots of time with middle schoolers.)
3. peter's unbelievable (but somehow believable) personality swap.  one day he's husband of the year, the next he's accosting the kids and using the "n" word.  my theory?  the actor was hard to deal with so they began planning his demise and, in turn, turning the audience off to him.  so he's a jerk.  and now he's dead.  okay, okay.

and now tina and tim are coming for game night.  goodnight, everyone.  :)

the sound of friday

the friday sigh.

yesterday, i drove with knuckles the color of the snow that carelessly fell on wisconsin.  i was sure i wouldn't make it to work, and then i was just as sure i wouldn't make it home.  when i did, i unlocked the door, drank tea and breathed deeply.  we got our new teapot [seafoam], and will his new gi [bright red]. 

my diana came.  i had to remember how to load film.  [i'm just old enough to have done it for a couple of years when i was younger.]  i took some pictures.  there's nothing to look at outside, right now.  white snow and barren trees.  that reminds me, i should buy some vitamin d. 

style school begins on sunday.  i'm so motivated, and so very excited.  tomorrow i'll finish my binder and practice using my new sewing machine.  sunday, i'll pick up the supplies i need for the first few projects.

i've started on one of the thrifted purses i have.  the gold one.  i plan to add some more to it.  have a look.